Chapter 65
I once had this thought:
What if the idea of a previous life is just a fantasy that a girl, tired of her harsh reality, conjured up to escape?
The memories were too vivid for it to be just a fantasy, so I quickly dismissed that thought. But whenever I saw how different I was from others, the thought resurfaced from time to time.
And meeting Edel confirmed once again that my memories weren’t merely delusions.
‘…So what?’
Even knowing that, does it change anything about my life?
Talking to Edel only made me more aware of how I was an impurity.
I had memories of that other world, but I didn’t belong to it.
I was born in this world, but I didn’t wholly belong to it either.
An impurity that didn’t belong anywhere.
And I wanted someone to reach out to me?
“…No.”
I never wanted something like that, not even once.
“No.”
But Joanie immediately refuted my words.
“You never said it out loud, but Kana, you definitely wanted that.”
Her voice was gentle, as if soothing a child.
Without realizing it, I took a step back from her.
“Remember? When we first met, Kana, you saved my life.”
“…I was just trying to hunt a Cockatrice.”
“If that were the case, you could have just waited for the Cockatrice to kill me, couldn’t you?”
“…I didn’t want to waste time.”
“Fine, let’s say it was that. Then why didn’t you stop me when you knew I was following you?”
“That’s… I thought Garid might like it if he saw you using Granic.”
Kana would have known.
She was right.
Back then, I was well aware that Joanie was following me.
Joanie took a step closer to me, and I instinctively took a step back.
“You even taught me swordsmanship and saved me from the Imperial Army.”
“…”
I only taught her because her sword-swinging form was so terrible I couldn’t bear to watch.
The Imperial Army had come for me in the first place, so if anything, they were the ones who’d helped me.
Each word.
With every word Joanie uttered, I took another step back.
And Joanie, in turn, took a step forward toward me.
Despite the equal number of steps, the distance between us was clearly closing.
Finally, she was close enough to reach out and hold my hand.
“More than anything, if you really didn’t want me to get close, you would’ve refused when I asked to come along. But you didn’t, Kana.”
It would’ve been much more convenient and faster to go alone.
“…”
I couldn’t breathe.
I had a desire to refute her words.
‘Because I wanted to confirm whether my guess was correct.’
Or,
‘Because it would’ve been troublesome if I couldn’t communicate.’
I could think of a few more reasons.
But the more I thought about them, the more I realized…
They were just petty and lame excuses.
There were far more efficient ways to verify my guess than watching her every move.
The inconvenience of not being able to communicate was nothing compared to the hassle of having her as a companion.
Yet, as I struggled desperately to come up with a rebuttal—
Suddenly!
“…Ah.”
I lost my words as I felt a sudden warmth.
This wasn’t the first time I’d been in her embrace.
But for some reason, this warmth felt more special than usual.
“…”
“…”
Joanie, who held me close, said nothing.
Suddenly, something hot began to roll down my cheek.
It was only then that I realized I had been crying for quite a while.
“…I was scared.”
Held tightly in Joanie’s arms, I let the words that had been buried deep within my heart spill out.
“I was terrified of feeling everything fall apart and disappear again.”
There may never be anyone like Garid who would accept me fully, but even if there were, they would eventually leave my side.
Because I am an impurity that doesn’t belong anywhere.
So I would be left feeling as if I’d lost everything again, abandoned and left alone in this world.
That thought terrified me beyond words.
Moreover, Joanie is a player who sees this world as a game.
If she lost interest, she could disappear at any moment.
Even if she remained interested, something might happen in her real life that would keep her from logging in.
If that happened, I’d be left waiting indefinitely without knowing why.
Just like a desert fox waiting for its prince, endlessly.
At first, I might get angry.
Then I might feel sad, thinking I’d been abandoned.
But eventually, all those emotions would fade away, leaving behind nothing but a relentless emptiness and void that would consume me.
“…I see.”
Joanie, who was still holding me, gently stroked my back as she listened to my incoherent ramblings.
When she finally released me from her embrace, the warmth that had filled my body disappeared along with her touch.
As I shivered from the cold night air that seeped in during the brief separation, Joanie held out a flower in front of me.
It was the same flower she had tucked into my hair earlier.
“Do you know the meaning of this flower?”
“…”
“‘Longing for someone who’s gone.’ And…”
She bent down slightly so our eyes met.
The face reflected in Joanie’s eyes was a mess, to put it lightly.
“And ‘the hope for a new encounter.’ Isn’t it fascinating? How two opposing meanings can coexist in a single flower? Perhaps the person who first came up with this flower’s meaning realized—”
Joanie gently took my hand.
Before I knew it, the flower she was holding was now in my hand.
“—that meeting and parting are inseparable. If there’s a new meeting, then a new parting will come too. But this is what I believe.”
Being afraid of the inevitable parting and therefore avoiding new encounters is truly a sad thing.
“If you choose not to meet anyone and live alone in solitude, wouldn’t that be too heartbreaking?”
“…I don’t know.”
Looking back…
Except for when I lived with Garid, I was always alone.
Even when I gathered with other children like me in the slums.
Even after Garid left and I led the Order.
I was always with someone, but I never felt that I was truly with them.
“Kana, you might not have realized it, but deep down, you must have thought, ‘I don’t want to be alone.’”
Joanie’s thumb gently brushed my cheek.
From my cheek to just below my eye.
She carefully traced every inch, then smiled softly.
“I want Kana to be happy.”
“…”
‘I want you to be happy.’
Behind Joanie’s voice, I heard another voice overlap—a deep, familiar voice.
A voice I longed for but could never hear again.
“…You won’t leave me, will you?”
Everything comes to an end, and I know that my time with Joanie will end too.
Even knowing that, I asked her.
And to my question, Joanie nodded exaggeratedly.
“Of course not. Would an older sister abandon her little sister?”
“…Promise me you won’t leave.”
“Absolutely.”
The warmth that had faded now returned to me once more.
“I will never leave Kana behind.”
Does she have any idea what I’m really feeling when I say this?
Probably not.
She doesn’t know that this world is not only a game but also a real world, or that the people in it aren’t just programmed NPCs but actual living beings.
She doesn’t know that I’m aware of all these things.
Even so, I entrusted myself to the warmth of her embrace.
And while I was still wrapped in Joanie’s arms, I spoke softly to her.
“…My name is Canaria Grasis.”
No, actually—
“Just call me Canaria. Simply, Canaria.”
“Okay. Canaria.”
“…Please take good care of me from now on, Da-eun.”
“…! Yes! Of course, it’s my pleasure!”
Da-eun’s face lit up as she hugged me tightly once more.
It’s suffocating.
But still…
“…”
…it’s warm.
***
***
***
“Ugh…”
I was exchanging morning greetings with Da-eun when suddenly, memories from the previous night flooded back, making my face flush with heat.
The night when we finally untangled the mess of knots that had been so convoluted that I didn’t even know where to begin.
That night, Da-eun and I talked about many things.
My childhood, what happened during my time with the Order, and the days I spent with Garid.
It had been hard to start, but once I began talking, everything came out easily, without hesitation.
Da-eun, too, shared a lot about herself.
There were moments when she hesitated, trying to filter out things she couldn’t say, but I could see she was trying her best to share as much as possible. Each time she paused, I pretended not to notice.
Listening to her stories made me remember something.
I didn’t recall it exactly, but in my previous life, people used to broadcast themselves over the internet.
I’d always thought her monologues and the way her thoughts spread so quickly were strange, but it made sense when I realized she had that kind of job.
For some reason, it seemed like Da-eun wasn’t streaming that night… Maybe she didn’t want to share the honest conversation we had with others?
If she were the type to publicize things like that, we probably wouldn’t have gotten this close.
Da-eun, noticing my awkward silence, turned to me and asked,
“Huh? What’s wrong?”
“…It’s nothing.”
Saying I wanted to be alone, admitting I was scared, begging her not to leave me…
Back then, I’d been so overwhelmed by emotions that it was fine, but thinking about what I’d said now makes me cringe.
…Not that I regret it.
If not for that moment, Da-eun and I wouldn’t have been able to untangle the mess and stand together at the starting line again.
Even though I insisted it was nothing, Da-eun continued to look at me with a concerned expression.
Feeling embarrassed under her gaze, I scratched my cheek awkwardly and changed the subject.
“Our plans going forward…”
“What?! Are you leaving already?”
“No, that’s not it.”
I shook my head.
Although I’d unloaded the old, festering emotions that had been rotting away inside me, it didn’t mean I’d suddenly regained interest in the festival.
After struggling to get here all the way from Grasis territory, I just thought we could rest for a few days.
…And, well…
“…Didn’t you say you wanted to see it?”
The Descent Festival.
I found myself unable to meet her eyes and glanced away as I spoke. It felt too embarrassing to look directly at her and say it.
“….”
“…?”
I expected a quick response, but oddly enough, there was none from her.
Puzzled by this strange silence, I turned to look at Da-eun again. I saw her staring blankly at me with a vacant expression.
Why is she like that?
As I tilted my head in curiosity, light returned to her eyes.
“…What’s this? What is this adorable creature? Is it even legal to be this cute?”
“…What are you talking about?”
She’s being ridiculous.
I scoffed.
“Anyway, I’m talking about after the Descent Festival.”
Will you come with me?
I looked up at Da-eun, conveying that meaning with my gaze.
She didn’t disappoint me.
“Of course, I’m coming! So, where are we headed next?”
Is she excited about the trip itself, or is it because she’s going with me?
Whichever it is, seeing her so happy doesn’t feel bad.
“We’re going to ‘Laxia.’”
“…Huh? Where did you say we’re going?”
“To Laxia, the Great Continent.”
Da-eun froze on the spot, still as a statue.
Seeing her reaction, I quietly nodded.
I guess it’s not exactly the kind of place that would make anyone jump for joy.
—
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